A Resource for Athens Area Families
   


Pregnancy/Baby
Babies Changing Family Dynamics
By Debbie Montgomery
June/July 2003

One plus one is two. Two plus one is three. Three plus one is four. And so on. Seems simple, doesn't it, unless what you are adding is new family members, or tornadoes.

Family dynamics are an important part of living together. Life changes for both parties when there is a marriage and continues to evolve as the two people who make up that union grow and change emotionally and professionally. Meandering through the obstacle course called life with a partner can be very difficult, and very rewarding.

Add a child or two, maybe even a few, into the mix and what you have is team work and lots of extra work to do. Problems multiply, but blessings and bliss are squared infinitely. Life alone pales in comparison.

Siblings growing up together go through some hard times, but the bond siblings form is long lasting and can be invaluable. The relationships that children forge with their parents and siblings have a lifelong affect on their personalities and their own sense of self.

When the first baby is born parents are often bowled over by the sheer amount of work required by a newborn and the incredible amount of love they feel for that tiny, noisy creature. It’s okay to be bowled over, just be sure you are holding onto your mate very tightly. The emotional wreckage of sheer exhaustion and colossal role changes sometimes leaves couples confused about what in the world are they doing with each other. Dad may feel left out. Mom may feel Dad doesn’t do enough to help and when he does, it’s all wrong. Just hang on. These feelings will pass. Though the waves are strong, you must be stronger.

Adding a second child also causes quite a stir. Mom and Dad are experienced by now, but the first child is shocked. This role change from youngest to oldest hits hard whether the eldest is 10 months or ten years.

Prepare the older child for this big change, but don’t talk about it too much in the early months. Try to make adjustments such as a new school, potty training or moving to a different room well in advance of the second child’s birth. Big sister or big brother class at your hospital are a great idea. Go through your child’s old baby pictures. Point out and spend time with other families that have more than one child.

Once the second child is born expect some regression, aggression and resentment from your oldest. Be extra forgiving and find extra one-on-one time for your oldest at this critical juncture. Encourage your child to help you with the baby in little ways, but don’t force the issue. Make sure to have small gifts on hand for your oldest so that when the new baby gets a present from visitors your oldest does too. Jealousy is perfectly natural for a while, but time will heal this wound fairly quickly.

The oldest is proud of his new role. Encourage caretaking instincts and play with the baby, carefully monitored of course. Eventually, they will become good friends. The oldest adjusts to the change, forgets how things used to be and starts to enjoy the added companionship. Just make sure that the oldest has time and space away from baby when needed. And vice versa.

These needs for privacy and private possessions will not go away as your children get older. You will learn by the escalating tones of voice when to step in and redirect disagreements, possessions and physical proximity and when to just leave them be.

Children need to squabble. Young animals playfight. So do humans. You can insist on no physical violence, but know that verbal cruelty can be just as dangerous. Know when to step in. Reduce tensions with calm and humor if possible. Separate combatants for a quick fix when tempers need to cool. Trying to avoid this problem by having only one child will not work completely. Only children tend to squabble more with their parents.

The addition of a third child starts out about the same, but as the children grow their relationships become more complex. The oldest tends to be the leader, and a bit bossy. The second child is closer in age to the third which makes it easier for them to enjoy their play, but the second child does not have the patience that the oldest usually does.

The best way to keep everybody happy is to make sure that every one of your family members, including your mate, knows that you love them. Make sure they know that you expect them to love each other. After a quarrel, hands should be shaken or hugs exchanged. “Sorreeeee!” doesn’t work.
Touch your children. If your child feels that they are too old for hugs and kisses then use pats on the back and hair rufflings. Don’t stop when they become teens. If you can’t get away with touch then use lots of eye contact.

Family play time is easy when there are Barbies and Legos lying around, but don’t give up when children get older. Card games, board games and sports are a great way to connect. Buy a volleyball net, croquet set or basketball hoop. Family vacations and adventures are great. But don’t forget to use hanging out time as your everyday family glue. Don’t let life get overscheduled.

Conversation is a favored form of play once everyone learns to talk. Of course there will be yelling, teasing and whining, too. Your job as a parent is to learn to discern from several rooms away the sound of a sibling discussion that is about to blow. Don’t step in too early. Sometimes you’ll be surprised by laughter instead of tears. Stay calm and go with your gut feeling.

Of course, you’ll make a few mistakes. After all, we’re only human and that is what we are trying to raise, as sanely and humanely as possible.

Great resources include:
The Irreducible Needs of Children by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D. and Stanley I Greenspan, M.D., Perseus Publishing c. 2000.
Your Baby and Child by Penelope Leach, Alfred A. Knopf, Inc., c. 1997.
Caring for Your Baby and Child edited by Steven P. Shelow, M.D., Bantam Books, c. 1998.


.


Updated weekly!
Festivals, music, arts events    Storytimes
Parks and recreation events  •  Parent groups

Find it all on the Athens Parent online calendar

© 1998 - Athens Parent, Inc.  All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.
Send comments or suggestions to: webmaster@athensparent.com