Pregnancy/Baby
Baby-Proofing Your Marriage: Baby Makes Three
From www.kidshealth.org
2008 issue

Before, you were a couple. Now, you’re (take a deep breath here) parents. How will your day-to-day life change? To start with the obvious, you probably won’t get enough sleep in the early months of your baby’s life. At first, your newborn may only sleep for a few hours at a time, and when your tiny bundle is up, you’re up. The resulting sleep deprivation can make you irritable and turn tasks like household chores and errands into ordeals because you have less energy and can’t concentrate.

Being a new parent is wonderful, but there are times when it can be really difficult, too. This can generate feelings of guilt for a mom or dad who isn’t enjoying every second of being a new parent. It can certainly be stressful. So it’s important to remember that it’s OK to want – and take – a break from the baby every once in a while. A baby can also rock the boat by stirring up surprising feelings of jealousy. Sometimes new dads get jealous because the baby takes up so much of his partner’s time. Dad may feel like a third wheel, or maybe he’s jealous that he doesn’t get to spend as much time with the baby or do as much of the parenting. These feelings are completely normal when the structure of a family changes so drastically.

Moms have their own challenges to confront. Pregnancy temporarily robs them of the bodies they’re used to; a couple of extra pounds and dark circles under the eyes can make a woman feel self-conscious and less attractive. Some moms also find it difficult to reconcile the image of a mother with that of a sexual woman, so they may be less interested in intimacy. Breastfeeding may also lower her sex drive.

The Need for Communication and Understanding
Communication is the best tool to defuse anger and prevent arguments. Parents can get so caught up in caring for the baby that they forget to take time to talk to each other. Small annoyances grow when you don’t get them out in the open, so it’s important to make time to communicate. Often, all it takes to clear up a misunderstanding is to see things from the other person’s point of view. For example, a new father may think that because he’s at work all day, it makes sense for the mother to take care of the baby most of the time, even when he’s home. But she may view the same situation as the father distancing himself from her and the baby just when she needs him most.

If something is bothering you, tell your partner, but make sure you do it at the right time. Starting a discussion about who left the dirty dishes in the sink when the baby is screaming to be fed will solve nothing. Instead, plan a time to sit down together after the baby is asleep. Be honest with each other, but try to maintain a sense of humor. Listen to your partner’s concerns and don’t criticize them. And keep in mind that sleep deprivation and stress can make you feel more irritable, so it may take extra effort to curb any tendency to be snappy.

Once you’ve both said what’s on your mind, work on solving the issues together by coming up with solutions you both can accept. Be willing to compromise, too. If one person can’t get home early on Wednesdays because of a staff meeting, the other can get the baby ready for bed on those nights. In exchange, the partner who gets home late on Wednesdays can take over on Thursdays.
This is also the time to “assign” baby care and household duties, like cooking, laundry and early-morning feedings. When both partners know what’s expected of them, the household will run more smoothly.

Handling Conflicts
When the inevitable disagreement arises, make time to discuss it, as mentioned above. If that approach simply won’t work – and you both need to clear the air right away – try to keep the argument focused on the issue that’s bothering you. Tell your partner clearly why you’re upset. If you’re vague or make your partner guess, you probably won’t resolve anything.

Steer clear of generalizations like, “You’re always late.” They tend to make people defensive. Instead, try: “When you came home late yesterday, dinner was cold. I would’ve appreciated it if you’d called me to say you were running late.” This puts the emphasis on the action, not the person, so your criticism feels less like a personal attack.

It’s also unfair to use the argument as an excuse to bring up past wrongs. If you’re talking about coming home late for dinner, don’t revisit the time your partner forgot to buy milk or took a 45-minute shower while you did all the dishes. You’ll find that listening to each other and trying to understand the other person’s perspective are the best ways to make progress toward solving a problem.
If you happen to argue in front of an older baby or toddler, make sure he or she sees you make up, too. That way, your child learns that fights don’t mean that people no longer love each other – this is an important part of your child’s own impression of conflict resolution.

Finding Time Together
Try to make a regular weekly “date” – schedule a sitter and head out to dinner or a movie. If you don’t want to leave the baby with a sitter just yet, make a special dinner at home after you put the baby to bed.

Staying up after the baby is sleeping can also give you time to connect daily. Strive for at least 20 minutes a day to talk and share feelings; you can do this while you wash the dishes together, or as you get ready for bed. On the weekends, get out of the house and do something as a family, like visit a museum or a park. Even daily family walks when you get home from work let you grab a little time together while your baby enjoys a ride in the stroller. The most important thing is to use your creativity to find a way to spend time together that works for you, whether that means meeting for lunch while a willing grandparent watches the baby or playing a game of cards before bed.

Be sure to notice what’s going right. Praise yourself and your partner for managing yet another round of feedings, diaper changes and baby entertaining. All new parents need to hear about what they’re doing well.

And try to be aware of each other’s emotions and needs. If your partner has had a particularly stressful day, offer to take the baby so your partner can soak in the tub, watch a favorite television show, or read a book for half an hour. Above all, enjoy the time with your new arrival – your little one will grow up faster than you realize.