ages & stages
Life Goes On ... a mom’s perspective after divorce
By Lesli Terrell-Payne
Sep/Oct 2007

Birthdays ... I have always loved birthdays – my own, my friends, and now those of my two boys. In fact, my friends have always teased me that I have birthweek instead of a birthday. Kids’ birthday parties are a job unto themselves as it seems we are constantly challenged to come up with yet another new, fun, and exciting birthday for our children-year after year. I have often joked to my girlfriends who are new moms that once you get on the “party circuit,” it becomes a competition to see who can have the coolest party. Henry, my 5-year-old whose birthday is in November, has already informed me (it is August as I write this) that he wants a Sponge-Bob, Power Rangers, Justice League, Transformers, or Bionicals party (he told me these on separate occasions). He has also told me where he’d like to have it: Pump It Up, the bowling alley, Sandy Creek, or the World of Wonder playground. Kids are really funny in their own “planning” ideas for the party.

Now I actually like planning parties (grown-up ones as well as those for the kids) but I was faced with a new facet of party planning once my husband and I split last year. For one, I knew that relatives from both of our families would want to come, which might be a little awkward (mostly for him and me, not the kids) but I figured that it was important to the children so we’d just have to get over it. Of course, my family still loves my ex but the feelings aren’t so mutual on his side. As I predicted, it was a bit weird but I just tried to play with the kids and not let it get to me. The second issue, believe it or not, was gifts – as in TOO MANY! Our families have always been generous with our children – really verging on spoiling them. I can’t say that I’m much better but this past year in particular, it seemed that we all went overboard with the gifts for Henry and Will’s birthdays. It might have been sub-conscious of course – the fact that we are divorced and somehow felt we were “making up” for that by giving more gifts than either could possibly need or want but alas, at the end of each party, there we were in a mound of presents from family, friends, and us. The real challenge now became dividing up the toys between Mommy and Daddy’s house – not such a fun task. Surprisingly, Henry didn’t seem to care one way or the other and ran off to play while Andy and I sorted through the gifts determining which would live where. Andy shies away from the “creative” stuff (like Play-Doh, coloring, crafts, etc) so anything art-related went to my house. I, on the other hand, am not so good with assembling things (like Dinosaur Mountain or pirate ships that supposedly just snap together or robots that turn into trucks) so all that stuff went to Andy’s house. In the end, it actually ended up being sort of fun to go through the toys and look forward to playing with things we liked and not having to worry about doing things we admittedly weren’t very good at!

When Henry turned 3, we “shared” his birthday with a friend whose special day was just a week or so behind, thus sharing the costs of a party as well. The mom suggested that in lieu of gifts, we ask everyone to bring a new toy that would be donated to Toys for Tots. I thought it was a great idea as she and I had both lamented over the amount of toys our kids seemed to have accumulated in our tiny houses. When I mentioned it to a friend of mine (whose son was a few years older), she laughed and said “Well this would be the last year to do that – after they turn 4, it’s all about the presents!” While I definitely agree with that now, I still believe that we can teach our children how to give to others during a special time, like a birthday. Should we get that many presents again this year, I will definitely encourage Henry to choose a few to give to someone in need. After all, just how many action figures does one child really need? The funny thing is, despite all the cool gifts Henry gets, he loves the little toys that come in Happy Meals or other kids’ meals just as much, if not more!

Birthdays are wonderful especially when spent with family and friends. Of course it isn’t about the presents or the goody bags or the cake (though 25 screaming kids would say otherwise); it is up to parents – married or divorced – to teach this through example. Even though there were a couple of new parameters for our parties this past year, overall each was a success despite a few moments of awkwardness combined with an embarrassing amount of toys. I know that in the future, there will be times when a birthday (or other “big” event) brings our families together once more. I hope that eventually we can all enjoy each other the way we once did if for no other reason than to show our children that despite divorce, the essence of family really never goes away.

Lesli Terrell-Payne is mom to Henry and Will. She is currently planning Henry’s 6th Birthday Extravaganza.